her reflection

   This is crazy. Reminiscing to myself on old memories and what my life has become is somewhat bittersweet for with all that I'd lost I was gifted with something more.
   For such a long time life felt like one blurry trail of lights leading from one town I did not recognize to another,never quite belonging even within the comforts of a home.My family has never been close.Never met most of them.
     You can try and forget all you come from,but the fact forever remains that your past creates you.It's really up to you to take from it all and be the best you can be,cliche as it may be,you'll wish you told yourself this ten years ago at some point so keep that in mind even now,but don't let it stop you from living. Confusing,I know. Welcome to life. They never tell you that and they should.
      I tried. I did. I was (am) someone who wanted to find the good in the worst of all I had been handed.Not an easy task when you seem to float thru a breeze in a blizzard. On more than one occasion I stood alone in a room and I swear I felt a storm all around me to the point I was shaking ,crying and clutching my chest like I'd survived a car crash. To say the least I've had one wild life,but we all have a story to tell.
     I won't bore you with my sob story here,that is not my intention. Let's just say I lost it all.Family,job,pets,house,car,possessions,self respect? hope? I'm working on the respect and hope. Can't lose that. That's what keeps me alive. That and these amazing people I've met.
   Here's where things get strange....Life wasn't really a friend of mine anyway,but within the last four years I've been through so much that I honestly contemplated suicide at one point. My only salvation was the people who love me and they know who they are. Can't believe I was so weak. At least I thought I was. I didn't want to die,I just wanted those feelings to. I wanted some peace. Well....I found it. In the oddest of places. I found hope and happiness and love and acceptance,above all acceptance for being me. Just me.
      I sit now telling you this story from the confines of a tiny apartment in the middle of Las Vegas and it sounds all glamorous,but please do not be fooled by the glamour. This place is where you come to win it all or lose it all. Good look finding the in between...says the cynic in me...but really...I did lose it all here.
      I sit alone in the dark thinking back to times when I'd cried into fists of rage and felt like nothing could work and nothing was worth it and how losing it all led me to Vegas and being homeless and how in the middle of this lonely dark room I come alive only through words. Words from strangers i've never met. These people have become my life,my family. Words have become all I have and they are changing my life in the strangest ways. These people are changing my life in the sweetest ways. It's all very beautiful if you could only understand and feel the magick in the moments we share.
     Words have brought into my life a love and happiness that is so rare it must be considered a gift. The relationships that I've made with people that I seem to have met as all the walls fell from around me are nothing short of a magickal miracle. I will cherish this feeling for as long as I live because the one lesson that resonates with me every minute is appreciate what you do have and hold it close before you lose it,because in time you just may.
     I'm left here not knowing fully how to accept my past,but stronger from it and braver and wiser. I am trying to grasp these feelings of overwhelming happiness that wash over me in this sad strange place alone and keeping hope that it's not all too good to be true and I don't want to lose this,but I don't want to choke the life out of it either so I try to just enjoy the day,each one like it were my last. I only wish I were doing what I truly would love to do with my last days,but I have faith that it's coming to me. I've suffered long and hard and time is bringing to me the rewards of my patience. I deserve this long beautiful moment. I've come to believe that.
     I may be happy inside and I may be wise beyond my years,but my struggle is not over. I will suffer each day alone knowing that there is a door that I will come to and if I just keep walking this long dusty road I will reach it and what lies beyond will reflect in my eyes and you will never see a brighter smile or a heart pounding so hard so filled with love and joy. This intense hope for the future pushes me to fight harder and live in each moment I'm given and I'm hoping that my words show the passion that I feel because if you only knew what these words mean to me you would cry,I know it. It is pure love and beauty. Finally I found this.
     This war inside my mind is being won,but the battle is still engaged. In time I will have more to tell and with whatever the twist of the tale,I trust it will be enlightening and life changing and I can't wait to embrace this new life that so patiently awaits me. For now I sit and reminisce and I walk away with a smile on my face and hope for my future.
      In this reflection I realize that I see life through tired eyes. And tho my mind bears a heavy load I will not let it kill my flow. I take from my past lessons learned and scars from all the bridges burned. I won't make that mistake again. I'll fight and hope  until the end.