blues

your heart can still beat if you break it baby. You had me you held me you broke me baby. I found my way without you but i'm still so lonely.

Dead Star Shine

With your hands wrapped around my throat you tried to take my life. And so I tried to do the same with a razor and a knife. The day you stood before me and made me feel so low. I came back from the dead and like a dead star I still glow.

Scarred

You see me broken and scarred,but you don't see that I've come so far. You see the smile I put on my face,but you don't see the pain that I try to erase. You see me and I see you,but you don't see the real me. Do you?

You and I

With one sentence you stole my heart. Maybe I didn't know it,but it was the start. And to this day you captivate me. You have become my world,you see. I think of you every day and even though you're far away, you're always here inside of me. You are my heart and the blood that I bleed. I long to be there at your side. My love for you I cannot hide. I wait for you in satin sheets and long to feel your breath on me. Whisper to me in my dream and tell me you'll always love me.

I

I lost who I am. Somewhere between addiction and pain and sadness,I lost myself. In my darkest moments I was all alone and everything was stripped from me and taken. It is torture living with these memories. Every scar you will see is a teardrop and each tear is a day of my life that I hated. Maybe I would rather have those scars on my skin than in my mind. The scars say what I cannot. They scream rape.They beg for help. I clench my fist and close my eyes and scream so silent. I don't know what to do. I take the pills. I drag the blade. I suffer in silence.

Not I

Everything is so confusing. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing here. I think about it all the time and I never can figure it out. What do I do with my life now? How is this even my life? I know I'm supposed to be strong,but do you realize how hard that is? To live through this. To put a smile on my face for everyone when all I want to do is scream and cry and beg someone to hold me when I feel like the nightmares will never end. I'm so lost. All I need is one thing. One good thing that I can hold onto. One thing that could save me from myself and from these nightmares. I try so hard,but letting go and moving on is never easy. And every day I am faced with the challenge. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to hurt myself just to feel something real.....DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO ME? ALL OF THIS PAIN....ALL OF THE MEMORIES AND THOUGHTS THAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. YOU ARE KILLING ME INSIDE AND I AM NOT READY TO DIE! BUT I FEEL LIKE DYING EVERY DAY BECAUSE OF YOU! AND YOU CAN'T SEE MY PAIN! CAN'T YOU SEE MY SCARS? I HATE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME. I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN ANYMORE AND I WISH I COULD FORGET YOU!...I don't want this to destroy me. I have dreams. I want to live. I want to be happy for once......I don't know who I am anymore and I am not the same and that scares me. How do I do this? How do I start over? I don't know,but I'm trying. I feel like I'm fighting for my life here. I think I can do this if I just keep fighting. I have to promise myself. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! I can't give up. Not now. Not ever. Not I. 

My heart.

I am an emotionally intense person. Most people have a hard time dealing with this and I have been hurt and rejected for showing these intense emotions time and time again. I always wonder if I am the fool or if people are simply afraid of love,passion and real emotion.I don't know. All I know is I am loyal and loving and the best friend and lover you could ever have and if you would only give me a chance you would see. Hurt me. Reject me. It will be your loss not mine. I will not change who I am for anyone. One thing that I do notice changing is the wall that is coming up all around me that I used to fear,but now I see it is there to protect me.

Could this be destiny?

Have you ever felt like maybe you were destined to meet someone? I mean...we come in contact with so many people on a daily basis and we brush it off with not a second thought,but sometimes strange chance meetings occur and we are drawn to someone. Do you  brush it off as just some random stranger that you have some connection with or you do you ask questions and get involved with this person and their life? How far will it go? Will you be friends or perhaps even lovers? And what if you met this person and had never seen their face or made actual physical contact with this person? Could a feeling for them be just as strong as it would be for someone you could hold? Would you leave all you have and know to move halfway round the world to be with this person on the chance that face to face it could be a dream or a nightmare? Would you risk that? I cannot fully understand nor explain to you this phenomena, as it is happening to me now. I can tell you that if you find someone who makes you feel the way that I feel right now then you hold onto it,you cherish it and no matter what,if it's good you go for it. It will bring you pleasure.It will bring you pain and the distance and time will be torture,but sometimes some things are worth the wait and this chance you've taken.