You and I

With one sentence you stole my heart. Maybe I didn't know it,but it was the start. And to this day you captivate me. You have become my world,you see. I think of you every day and even though you're far away, you're always here inside of me. You are my heart and the blood that I bleed. I long to be there at your side. My love for you I cannot hide. I wait for you in satin sheets and long to feel your breath on me. Whisper to me in my dream and tell me you'll always love me.

I

I lost who I am. Somewhere between addiction and pain and sadness,I lost myself. In my darkest moments I was all alone and everything was stripped from me and taken. It is torture living with these memories. Every scar you will see is a teardrop and each tear is a day of my life that I hated. Maybe I would rather have those scars on my skin than in my mind. The scars say what I cannot. They scream rape.They beg for help. I clench my fist and close my eyes and scream so silent. I don't know what to do. I take the pills. I drag the blade. I suffer in silence.

Not I

Everything is so confusing. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing here. I think about it all the time and I never can figure it out. What do I do with my life now? How is this even my life? I know I'm supposed to be strong,but do you realize how hard that is? To live through this. To put a smile on my face for everyone when all I want to do is scream and cry and beg someone to hold me when I feel like the nightmares will never end. I'm so lost. All I need is one thing. One good thing that I can hold onto. One thing that could save me from myself and from these nightmares. I try so hard,but letting go and moving on is never easy. And every day I am faced with the challenge. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to hurt myself just to feel something real.....DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO ME? ALL OF THIS PAIN....ALL OF THE MEMORIES AND THOUGHTS THAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. YOU ARE KILLING ME INSIDE AND I AM NOT READY TO DIE! BUT I FEEL LIKE DYING EVERY DAY BECAUSE OF YOU! AND YOU CAN'T SEE MY PAIN! CAN'T YOU SEE MY SCARS? I HATE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME. I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN ANYMORE AND I WISH I COULD FORGET YOU!...I don't want this to destroy me. I have dreams. I want to live. I want to be happy for once......I don't know who I am anymore and I am not the same and that scares me. How do I do this? How do I start over? I don't know,but I'm trying. I feel like I'm fighting for my life here. I think I can do this if I just keep fighting. I have to promise myself. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! I can't give up. Not now. Not ever. Not I.