her reflection

   This is crazy. Reminiscing to myself on old memories and what my life has become is somewhat bittersweet for with all that I'd lost I was gifted with something more.
   For such a long time life felt like one blurry trail of lights leading from one town I did not recognize to another,never quite belonging even within the comforts of a home.My family has never been close.Never met most of them.
     You can try and forget all you come from,but the fact forever remains that your past creates you.It's really up to you to take from it all and be the best you can be,cliche as it may be,you'll wish you told yourself this ten years ago at some point so keep that in mind even now,but don't let it stop you from living. Confusing,I know. Welcome to life. They never tell you that and they should.
      I tried. I did. I was (am) someone who wanted to find the good in the worst of all I had been handed.Not an easy task when you seem to float thru a breeze in a blizzard. On more than one occasion I stood alone in a room and I swear I felt a storm all around me to the point I was shaking ,crying and clutching my chest like I'd survived a car crash. To say the least I've had one wild life,but we all have a story to tell.
     I won't bore you with my sob story here,that is not my intention. Let's just say I lost it all.Family,job,pets,house,car,possessions,self respect? hope? I'm working on the respect and hope. Can't lose that. That's what keeps me alive. That and these amazing people I've met.
   Here's where things get strange....Life wasn't really a friend of mine anyway,but within the last four years I've been through so much that I honestly contemplated suicide at one point. My only salvation was the people who love me and they know who they are. Can't believe I was so weak. At least I thought I was. I didn't want to die,I just wanted those feelings to. I wanted some peace. Well....I found it. In the oddest of places. I found hope and happiness and love and acceptance,above all acceptance for being me. Just me.
      I sit now telling you this story from the confines of a tiny apartment in the middle of Las Vegas and it sounds all glamorous,but please do not be fooled by the glamour. This place is where you come to win it all or lose it all. Good look finding the in between...says the cynic in me...but really...I did lose it all here.
      I sit alone in the dark thinking back to times when I'd cried into fists of rage and felt like nothing could work and nothing was worth it and how losing it all led me to Vegas and being homeless and how in the middle of this lonely dark room I come alive only through words. Words from strangers i've never met. These people have become my life,my family. Words have become all I have and they are changing my life in the strangest ways. These people are changing my life in the sweetest ways. It's all very beautiful if you could only understand and feel the magick in the moments we share.
     Words have brought into my life a love and happiness that is so rare it must be considered a gift. The relationships that I've made with people that I seem to have met as all the walls fell from around me are nothing short of a magickal miracle. I will cherish this feeling for as long as I live because the one lesson that resonates with me every minute is appreciate what you do have and hold it close before you lose it,because in time you just may.
     I'm left here not knowing fully how to accept my past,but stronger from it and braver and wiser. I am trying to grasp these feelings of overwhelming happiness that wash over me in this sad strange place alone and keeping hope that it's not all too good to be true and I don't want to lose this,but I don't want to choke the life out of it either so I try to just enjoy the day,each one like it were my last. I only wish I were doing what I truly would love to do with my last days,but I have faith that it's coming to me. I've suffered long and hard and time is bringing to me the rewards of my patience. I deserve this long beautiful moment. I've come to believe that.
     I may be happy inside and I may be wise beyond my years,but my struggle is not over. I will suffer each day alone knowing that there is a door that I will come to and if I just keep walking this long dusty road I will reach it and what lies beyond will reflect in my eyes and you will never see a brighter smile or a heart pounding so hard so filled with love and joy. This intense hope for the future pushes me to fight harder and live in each moment I'm given and I'm hoping that my words show the passion that I feel because if you only knew what these words mean to me you would cry,I know it. It is pure love and beauty. Finally I found this.
     This war inside my mind is being won,but the battle is still engaged. In time I will have more to tell and with whatever the twist of the tale,I trust it will be enlightening and life changing and I can't wait to embrace this new life that so patiently awaits me. For now I sit and reminisce and I walk away with a smile on my face and hope for my future.
      In this reflection I realize that I see life through tired eyes. And tho my mind bears a heavy load I will not let it kill my flow. I take from my past lessons learned and scars from all the bridges burned. I won't make that mistake again. I'll fight and hope  until the end.

Rant about everything and nothing.

It must be so strange for you to tell someone that your best friend or girlfriend is someone you've never met. It must be strange to say that someone you've never met or spoken to has been with you through some of the most painful and beautiful moments in your life. It must bring you a pain that is indescribable to want someone with you and you just know that it will not be happening any time soon and you have no choice and you must wait. I know this pain. It is a constant with me everyday. I do not associate with people in my daily life. Instead I have these incredible people I met online that I write. I sit alone in a room with a world moving around me and I write these people and somehow I'm happy this way. The sting of this situation is that it gives me the most painful ache in my chest for not being able to have it be real. At least not real in the sense of touch and sight. I can feel you,but you know....you're not here. I know one day you will stand beside me and it will be an overwhelming joy that will wipe days like this off the map,but damn it feels so far away and I'm so impatient sometimes. I hope you can get through this because it's hard for me and the only thought that keeps me moving forward is your hand in mine and kissing the smile on your face and hearing you laugh. I live for those days. It must be strange to know everything about someone and not have met them and then you do meet them and it's almost like you have to start over and have all those same conversations over again. I can't wait for those days,but I will. I will wait and I when I feel that ache coming from my chest I will hold my hand to my heart and smile thinking of you and the pain will go away if only for the moment. I know that we will meet it's just a matter of time. And all of this will have been the beginning of our beautiful past. So here's to our future.

blues

your heart can still beat if you break it baby. You had me you held me you broke me baby. I found my way without you but i'm still so lonely.

Dead Star Shine

With your hands wrapped around my throat you tried to take my life. And so I tried to do the same with a razor and a knife. The day you stood before me and made me feel so low. I came back from the dead and like a dead star I still glow.

Scarred

You see me broken and scarred,but you don't see that I've come so far. You see the smile I put on my face,but you don't see the pain that I try to erase. You see me and I see you,but you don't see the real me. Do you?

You and I

With one sentence you stole my heart. Maybe I didn't know it,but it was the start. And to this day you captivate me. You have become my world,you see. I think of you every day and even though you're far away, you're always here inside of me. You are my heart and the blood that I bleed. I long to be there at your side. My love for you I cannot hide. I wait for you in satin sheets and long to feel your breath on me. Whisper to me in my dream and tell me you'll always love me.

I

I lost who I am. Somewhere between addiction and pain and sadness,I lost myself. In my darkest moments I was all alone and everything was stripped from me and taken. It is torture living with these memories. Every scar you will see is a teardrop and each tear is a day of my life that I hated. Maybe I would rather have those scars on my skin than in my mind. The scars say what I cannot. They scream rape.They beg for help. I clench my fist and close my eyes and scream so silent. I don't know what to do. I take the pills. I drag the blade. I suffer in silence.